Old and New

Coffee House
By ozzzie.

I think this picture sums up Edinburgh for me. It's a wonderful, historic city that's now been invaded by the coffee monsters from Mars (not Woof).

It's certainly one of the most pretty cities that I've been to; apart from the occasional puking local or puddle of puke (think Bristol centre on Saturday at 2AM and timeshift that back to 7PM.

One more post for today

Womble gave me the gift of Recess Monkey some time ago.

I now share that gift with you

Fun with 419s

I mentioned my correspondance with those lovely Nigerian scammers earlier. Woof found one of my responses entertaining, so I've posted the orginal message and my response here.

The original:

MR.Ozmundo S. Vasqualez [My alter ego]

YOUR MAIL REQUESTING FOR THE DEDUCTION OF £652 FROM FUND PRIOR TO TRANSFER IS WELL NOTED AND THIS IS THE BANKING PROCEEDURES WORLD WIDE.

HOWEVER THIS DEDUCTION IS ONLY POSSIBLE ON ACCOUNTS ACTIVE NOT DEACTIVATED ACCOUNTS LIKE YOURS WHICH YOU KNOW AND AGREE ON THE DOLLAR ACCOUNT CREATION THAT YOU SIGNED BEFORE THIS BANK 1998 FOR THAT SHOULD THIS ACCOUNT BE DEACTIVATE , YOU AND OR YOUR APPOINTED BENEFICIARY SHALL REACTIVATE THIS ACCOUNT FIRST BEFORE ANY OPERATION CAN BE DONE ON YOUR ACCOUNT.

FAILURE TO REACTIVAT THIS ACCOUNT AFTER TEN YEARS THEN THE ACCOUNT IS CONSIDERED AS INACTIVE. UPON THE ACCOUNT BEING DESIGNATED AS INACTIVE, YOUR ABILITY TO CARRY OUT
SELF-SERVED TRANSACTIONS (via The Green Machine or other automated banking machines, telephone and electronic banking) WILL BE REVOKED .

THEREFORE THIS REQUIRED FEES OF £652 IS A COMPULSORY PAYMENT AND DOES NOT STAND FOR ANY TRANSFER FEES ASSOCIATED TO THE TRANSFER WHICH AS YOU HAVE RIGHTLY SAID IS DUCTABLE.

YOU HAVE BEEN ATTACHED A FORM WHICH YOU ARE TO FILL AND SEND BACK TO THIS BANK ADMIN.DEPT. FOR APPROVAL.

THANK YOU

LASSINE DIAWARRA (PRESIDENT ADMIN.DEPT.)
OFFICE OF CONSEIL D'ADMINISTRATION
BANK OF AFRICA GROUPE BURKINA
FASO


Email: somemadeupaddress@africamail.com

THIS £652 FEES SHOULD BE SEND TO THE DEPARTMENT CASHIER MR.OGHUKO OTOBA VIA WESTERN UNION FOR QUICK PROCESSING OF YOUR FORM

My reply:

HI,

I'VE SPOKE TO A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE WHO WORKED IN A BANK AND HE SAYING THAT WHAT YOU ARE PROPOUNDING IS A FALSE ANALOGY OF THE HEINOUS AND INJURIOUS KIND.

ACCORDING TO THE BAKING CODE (SUBSECTION 542.78.3 I THINK HE SAID) THIS DOES NOT HAVE A VEIL OF RELEVANCE.

THEREFORE, I'D BE GRATEFUL IF YOU COULD EXPEDITIATE THIS MATTER WITH LASHINGS OF ALACRITY.

REGARDS,

OZMUNDO S. VASQUALEZ

'Mekon' says Woof

Headly-Smith
By ozzzie.

I actually saw a real person that looked remarkably like this yesterday. Perhaps I'm developing some sort of pre-cognitive ability.

Off to Edinburgh today. It's my birthday, so Kate very kindly booked flights and a hotel in the posher part of kilt land (someone told me).

Apparently, Glasgow is bidding for world heritage status. Stitch that Jimmy!

Playing with the 419s

In order to amuse myself recently, I've been responding to 419 emails. I hope to post some of the interesting responses I've had when I get around to it. Soon I won't have the time to do this because of the imminent start of the two Open University courses that I'm studying this year - TM427 and M358.

I've not studied two courses in a year before, so I'm a bit concerned whether I can do them justice whilst working full time, but it'll be interesting finding out.

D-day is here! Relax! Calmly!

Now that your loins are well and truly girded (girdled) [actually, I can't think why you would have been jeering at your loins], there's nothing to do but wait calmly for the time of your date to arrive (the date of your date is here already). Give no mental time whatsoever to considering every possible faux pas that could occur, or that England expects you to do your duty.

Remember that women can be either put off by, or attracted to, men crying and make sure that you bring a hankerchief; it works in so many different scenarios.

Boom Shanka.

Tip of the day for Woof; d-day -1

Now that you have successfully secured a date despite being an Apple customer, the temptation may arise to throw away those big pants for the date and slip into that tight leather thong acquired at the Geek Convention. Stop! Compressing your equipment into such a tight space may cause strain to show on the face and create the illusion of having incredibly small tackle.

This may cause your potential unpaid housekeeper to draw the conclusion that you are not sufficiently studilicious to father strong and handsome offspring.

Tip of the day for Woof; d-day -2

You may feel that members of the fairer sex will be impressed if you demonstrate your flexibility and suppleness by chewing your toenails into neat shapes.

Beware! This may give the impression that you give little thought to what passes between your lips, thus endangering your continued contribution to the evolutionary process by self-poisioning. This may be deemed evidence that you are not sufficiently intelligent to father strong and handsome offspring.

Tip of the day for Woof

It is always tempting to take potential partners to expensive eateries serving rich food. Having partaken of said sumptuous bounty, avoid the urge to belch loudly and violently in your possible soulmate's face. These may lead them to believe that you have weak bowels and you may not be sufficiently robust to father strong and handsome offspring.

Woofies Date

My good friend and coffee aficionado, Woof, is going on a date this Friday with a mystery woman who shall be known only as Martha.

After several years of abstinence from trouser fluttery, he's been receiving sensible advice from all and sundry and many have expressed their support for his daring adventure into the world of hormonal fencing.

I believe that we should have a 'tip of the day' for Woof as in a countdown to the blastoff of Woof's rocket from the supportive gantry of his close social group into the dark vacuum of inter-emotional space.

Here's hoping he brings back more than dust.

Ineffable

[...]

"revolutionized sis boom bah into sexsational badabing"

Cheerleading can kill: official | The Register: What a great quote: "[Paula Abdul] revolutionized sis boom bah into sexsational badabing"

I've Found My Floatiness Again

I used to be a lot better at riding a bike in the wet than I am now, but a touch too much front brake into a slow corner at Castle Combe on a wet track day, dented my confidence.

In order to be quick, you need to be relaxed and smooth and for quite a while, I could feel the tension in my arms whenever there was any water on the road surface. Now, I've found that relaxed, 'floaty' feeling that you get when it all comes together 'just so' and I can now absorb the feedback through the front tyre that my previously ramrod straight arms had distanced me from.

If Bath had beaten Sale today as well, it would have been a perfect holiday period but alas, it was not to be.