The Email Tableau
Woof once sent me an email in which he made the common mistake of typing 'the ned of last week' rather than 'the end of last week'. That created a little tableau in my mind. The first section is my original idea and the second is my good friend Woof's elaboration:
Ned
Ned sat down and watched the meeting impassively. This was his job. The silent watching, the strange uniforms. He couldn't remember when he had become a theme man. The years had gone so quickly and in the beginning it had been so much fun.
This week the meetings had been more interesting. This week's theme was Ghengis Khan and it was entertaining the way that the people at the meetings kept giving him worried sidelong glances. It may have been the Whiskers, or it may have been the way that he opened the tin with a long sharp sword.
It wasn't always this good though. Some weeks were torture; like John Major week. Being hated was one thing, but being ignored was worse and as for Hague week……
Ned's thought processes came to an abrupt halt. He found himself looking at the two pairs of moving lips in front of him, and wondering "what is the point?". He tried to picture how well they would speak if he cut their lips off - truly in character.
He gazed from one meetee to the other, his head bobbing like a hairy tennis fan. "What the hell" he thought "Another week, another theme".
Woof's contribution:
Meanwhile, in the seat next to him, Ed was listing quite keenly to the same meeting. He was interested in how the cut throat, dynamic, industry they were in, was cut throat, dynamic, and industrious. Further the chap next him, that odd, morale boasting theme man – Ted by name – was making him uncomfortable. His happy silence was like a stealth melancholy, creating unease and dissatisfaction, yet seemingly providing light relief and a useful purpose. He also quite fancied the American opposite – Ched – he had a tight ass, and a sexy drawl.
Ed grabbed an apple and a handful of dates, and nibbling away was struck with the thought that the problem with fruitful meetings is that they have no bran about. Ed like his bran. It made him feel good and strong. Further, he thought, it made his digestive system work for him as opposed to having an easy life with digestibles. Absentmindedly Ed tipped some canteen-produced coffee into a nearby plant and had this horrible feeling like his lips were missing. How odd. He wondered if his brother felt the same.
Ted, Ed’s brother, was director of Public Affairs, a job in his office that was regarded by his colleagues with as much favour as a sewerage accident in a church. Ted’s job was to publish news of the affairs any office worker had, and to spin it so that it created a positive story of team bonding. Of course his work friends (a term Ted used loosely at the moment) did not see it that way, nor their spouses. It hurt him that they called him ‘behind the bike shed Ted’ and Bastard. They considered him a snooping fool, ready to ship dirt at the earliest opportunity. Ted saw it as turning adversity into triumph, and he also had one hell of a photo collection.
‘Lips’ McGruder, the leggy, collagen-ly-favoured, blond in the office outside, gazed with envy at Ted. Lips longed to be important enough to be in the room, playing footsie with Ted’s leg, hearing all the earth shattering and important discussions on-going therein. Oh to be more than just a rather witty, secretary with brains around the office. She turned to her colleague, Rita, and cracked a witty & intelligent joke.
In the distance a train rumbled into the station and discarded it’s passengers
Rita cackled her appreciation of the joke, even though she did not understand it. Rita was not going to be outthought by the blond slag though. Rita had plans. She had IDEAS. She would be going places. She considered her IDEAS to be so big that they could only be written in capitals – they were that good. Rita planned to set up the most efficient postal intercontinental postal system the world had ever seen. She has got the IDEA from watching ‘The Little Mermaid’. Life seemed so much better under the sea. Friendly Crustaceans you know.
Rita’s IDEA revolved around 1key factor - the fact that she could talk to Minky whales. The first stage of her plan would be to set up a string of Minky whales between each continent. Then the could relay package all along the route, thus getting packages from one continent to another with no hassle, and no fuel costs. Rita would pay the Minky whales with fish (which every good secretary knows grows on trees) and keep them happy.
Her partner Ned needed to grab the attention of the Chief Exec, and then they could get the money to develop this idea. Ned had said that he would think about it. In 2 weeks the theme would be ‘Virgin’, the perfect time for her to develop. Her business plans I mean.
Ned still sat, watching the meeting impassively.
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