More from Barrister Frank

He just keeps coming back:

--- frankwest chambers <frankwestchambers4@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear Oliver,

I am so sorry for the late response to your email by me. Infact i have been having a hard time here as i had been so busy in preparation of a court case which had to be decided by the jury yesterday.
Unfortunately for me i lost the case and was so weak, tired and so i had to file an appeal against the judgement, so i has been having it relatively raw here.

Meanwhile, i thank God for your lastest email where you drew my attention to the previous email where you forwarded the content of the application form from the bank to me.

As a matter of fact, i could not pay a good attention to that previously, but by the very fact that you refered me thereto, i have been able to ascertain what is really required and and i am sending it herewith.

I would like you to write them in continuation of the apology that you could not be able to get back to them on time. So they should treat you with ut any contempt.

Meanwhile, time and space could not permit me to fill it appropriately for you so i am giving you the tips so you fill it on your own and submit to them as soon as possible.
Meanwhile, you have to be extra cautious in filling the whole thing as i understand that any alteration or omission may render the claim invalid.

Again, I suppose you should possibly print the Form, append your signature and scan it to send it to them and make sure you give the accurate information.

Here is the name of the Depositor: Dr. Douglas Warren.
The Acct No: 0199F30530215,
Finance Bank Finance PLC.
You may fill anything in the space or your relationship with him but i counsel you put it down that he was your uncle.

In this case, i advise you fist forward it to me for my perusal before sending it to them. On the other hand, you can proceed by sending it to them provided you put down every thing correctly.

Moreover, please feel so free to call me if you are opportuned so we can conveniently and appropriately cordinate this so well and successfully, bearing in mind that the demand of this claim is constant communication to enhance our cooperation by the use of email or phone calls so as to follow up any necessary directive from the Bank, me, vis a vis you.

Plaese always bring to my awareness what ever may come from them in response to the form when you must have send it to them so i shall be well informed of what ever ever may be required as a pre-requisite for the claim as i shall avail same for you.

You can call me any time on pnone with 234 806 371 3908.

Thanks and best regards.

Barr. Frank.

Dear Barrister Frank,

I'm sorry to hear that you've been having it raw, but things have been cooking at my end and I'm pleased to see that your ascertaining has been fruitful.

I will write to the bank in an attempt to avoid their contempt. A contemptuous bank is one to be avoided at all costs. I often remember the manager of my previous bank, Mr. Manewaring, looking scornfully at me as I shamefully recounted my latest excuse for requiring an extension to my overdraft. "Stupid Boy" he used to say to me.

I will cautiously and with trepidation, make my way through the form until its completion is achieved. I will then send you a copy to peruse at your leisure centre.

How old was Douglas? I am 73, so I am guessing that he was old enough to be my uncle?

Kind regards,

Oliver.

Indoor Airshow

If this video doesn't make you ooh and ahh, you're too cycnical and jaded, go and relax somewhere and contemplate life.

Acrobatics

It's not a monkey, it's a chimpanze!

Tut. You can't tell some people.

Would YOU proudly show off your balls?

I thought I'd post something for anyone who happen's to be feeling a geekiness moment creeping over them. Ah, that brings back so many memories of my school, where 'outed' geeks would have been taken into the toliets and soundly beaten. Great Salterns School, where high levels of academic achievement and teenage preganancy went hand in hand - sometimes literally.

I wonder whatever happened to Douglas Phillips. He was famed for slicing another boy's face open in the toilets with a razor blade (cluedo anyone) and nearly removing his own thumb in the process. Razor blades are double sided? Doh! He was also attributed with the 'inserting a semi-circle of copper wire in the science room mains socket' incident.

Wishful thinking

I hadn't seen this before, but it was probably created by a biker.

A very buzzy cow

It's amazing how much the field(!) of robotics has advanced these days. It looks so animal-like in the way it recovers from being kicked.

Please ring 419

Thanks to Seb for this latest little gem of a scam. Whilst selling a phone on eBay, Seb received a 'buy now' selection from a potential customer and the following message:

Hello,
Compliment of the day,I am Bob Ezeala From USA, presently in Canada on a business trip. I saw your item advert on ebay and i'm interested in buying it for my son who is studying a Computer Science Course in the University of Lagos,Nigeria. i will like you
to get back to me as soon as possible then i want you to send me the total cost including the cost of shipping to Lagos,Nigeria.I don't mind the cost,I will be sending you my payment via PayPal,So send me your (PAYPAL EMAIL ADDRESS) so as to immediately make out my payment.Make sure you get the package ready for shipment today okay?.Plz i want the item to be shipped via Royal Mail international signfor'  to Nigeria. Expecting your reply so as to immediately make out my payment for this item purchase.
Regards
Bob.

Presumably Bob's son is studying how to develop mass email circulations and impersonate banks in his computer course.

Japanese and their dominoes

Regular readers (I know you're out there) will be aware of the strange fascination with dominoes that the Japanese have developed. This latest video demonstrates what would happen if a young group of men with too much time on their hands came to Woof's house.

Greek Bike Accident

This guy must be made out of rubber or something.

If you're not a biker, this won't mean much

Kate and I arrived back yesterday from a little jaunt up to Knockhill for the BSB races. We took a day-long ride up, including the Lake District on our route and a few comfort stops along the way. Even(!) the lowlands of Scotland are beautiful and Dumfries is a gorgeous place. I once went deer hunting and trout fishing there - although not simultaneously as it's rather difficult to creep up on a deer with a fishing rod. In fact it's bloody difficult with a high powered rifle that you've just used to punch a neat hole in a practice target at 200 yards. They can smell you. Well, they could smell me anyway. Bambi doesn't like Polo. The A702 is a nice cruising road. It has rolling hills as a backdrop and a good mix of straights and sweeping bends. It's one of those roads that has the kind of visibility that allows you to make good time across country on whilst admiring the scenery with relaxed glances off to the side.

On the way home I realised something; I've successfully reprogrammed myself. Nearing home and travelling on the roads near Monmouth that I know reasonably well, a combination of many miles travelled that day and the desire to be home quickly meant that I was entering some corners slightly hotter than I had planned. If you're astute, that turn of phrase gives the game away. Not TOO hot, just hotter - I no longer panic and stiffen up, I just cooly crank it over a bit more. I've always been a big fan of Keith Code and other riding gurus and have generally taken the same approach to learning about riding that I have to my Open University studies. I've consciously been applying many techniques (smooth throttle application through the corner, late/quick turning, dropping the shoulder, looking where you want to go etc., etc.) and some of those have taken root and grown on their own. Does this make me a riding God? No, but it does make me a better rider and that's something that I can feel satisfied about.

While we're on the subject of fouls

How about this little collection of beauties. Having studied Kung Fu, I was most impressed with the fine technique of one particular flying kick.

You want more childish humour?

You are insatiable, that's what you are. This comes from a work colleague...

Are you reading IT?

Being a happy IT worker (I think I can describe myself as that, although I score lower in geek tests than Woof), I am an ardent reader of The Register. This is a fine publication that has the irreverent tone mixed with grindingly anal corporate IT stories that you would expect. BOFH is someone whom many of us can relate. Anyway, there are often chucklicious stories adorning their pages such as the eBay Jesus prophet cure for cancer and new video evidence in the Zidane headbutt incident.

Well worth a read if you're vaguely computer literate.

Is it me, or are the Japanese odd?

I suppose it takes all sorts to make a world and it's a fairly shallow view to assume that one's own mental model of the world is the right one. That said, have a look at Ikenie. Woof is big (but shrinking massively) into Japanese outpourings.

Continuing the 419 theme

There is some fantastic language in this latest missive from Barrister Frank:

My Dear Oliver,

It
is with trust and confidence that i am making this appeal to you, having been so far intimated and acquinted with you through this maens. I have really felt for the kind of person you seem to be and i am
really glad about you.

However, i have recognised that we would rather not have to use this medium alone. If we could see face to
face, we could better comprehend the need of the moment and mutually venture into resolving the matter. We could better express our feelings and regards for each other as potential friens and partners in progress
if we could talk orally through the phone or even face to face . Yet, i am rather more excited and pleased about meeting you, even through this means.

Meanwhile, i wish to tell you that the Bank have re-issued me a notice to activate on the claim or have the money confiscated within the next 14 working days, hence i have presented you before them.

They notified me that they have written for your urgent compliace but you wrote them back informing them that you and me have some scores to settle and after which you would get back to them but ever sionce then, they have not heard any thing yet from you in that regards.Note that it is in line with the Federal Government's directives for them ( Banks)to confiscate all monies in their deposit which has remained unclaimed and unserviceable for more than 3 years now and they have to notify me for that instance as regards to my late Dr. Douglas Warren's account, and this is not pertaining to his acount alone but to all acounts which fall within the same shoe, like that of my client's. And because of that i have obtained a COURT INJUCTION to deter the Bank from further proceeding in the confiscation of the fund hence i have presented you as the real next of kin to my client.

Nevertheless, in a techno-juristic [He, he] sense, i have guarranteed and assured you that i shall back you up with the neccessary documents for the claim and that you have nothing to be afraid of, hence, the whole proceedings would emerge under a legitimate background that will protect you and even me from any breach of the law and the violation of our individual rights.

So, i want to plead with you to kindly cooperate with the Bank and let me know whatever they requires of you for their verifications in regards to that account and to the confirment of the authenticity of your claim as the real beneficiary to the fund, as i shall avail the same for you to send back to them in that regards.

Finally, i wish to allay any fears of which you are habouring in your mind about making any moves to making the claim with me as there is nothing for you to fear for and every thing here is legit.
Please i have urged you to call me on my private number any time for more clarifications in this regards at:+234-806-371-3908 or you can let me call you through your own phone numbert whenever you wishes.

This is because this claim needs a constant communication and cooperation for proper cordination towards a sucessful claimof the fund as any alteration from your side or my side in regards to the acount would possibly eliminate the good chances of making this claim a realisable venture.

I anticipate your soonest cooperation and response.

Thanks and God bless.

Barr. Frank West.

Fancy a game of Pong?

Have you ever wondered what happens inside a game of Pong?

Do you remember the A Ha video?

If not, then here's a reminder for you. OK, it may not quite match your memory of the original, but hey, that's the Internet for you.

Some people have too much spare time

I must stop using the stairs. I never realised that I was missing out on so much.

Are you feeling stressed?

Try some bubble wrap.

I was wearing headphones set at a low volume level when I first clicked the 'fresh sheet' button. I though somebody was calling me for a moment.

Pearls of wisdom

I don't normally go for these lists of "Twenty things not to say to a pregnant iguana" that you find dotted across the Web, but this little list is probably the closest to a collection of things that I'd nod sagely at and agree with.

Incidentally, suggestions for the "Twenty things not to say to a pregnant iguana" list will be gratefully received.

1. Hi, I love bamboo chicken. (look it up)...

Digital Manipulation

As Woof will testify, I'm a bit fan of taking an image and tweaking it for effect.  This site has something a little disturbing about it , but I like it.

Spare a thought for those less fortunate

Flash Game

If you want to use up a few spare minutes, mindlessly blasting things with your finger, try http://www.funny-base.com/games/tooncrisis.html

An old theme reworked

I think the beetle is my favourite.

Bushtabulous

Somewhere I posted a link to the original version of this Flash 'utility' (argh, bastards). For those of you with political interests (esp. Womble?), this one may or may not be more entertaining.

Time to write

'They' have taken away my daytime release valve. All blogs are now blocked by the firewall at work, so now I can't take a break and get away from the grind for a couple of minutes to put down some thoughts and escape. I have one or more colleagues who insist on taking the negative view on everything and telling me all the reasons why something can't be done, rather than looking at the solutions. I've got to admit that it is wearing me down over time. Maybe I too should join the nest of negativity. Votes on a postcard please.

I found myself getting unreasonably angry at a utitlity this morning. NPower had decided that they were going to increase my direct debit by £8.00 per month. Now, I'm in credit and finished last year in credit as well., so I thought I'd give them a ring and say "don't increase my direct debit". Anyway, to cut a long story short, the letter is wrong and I 'should' be paying £3.50 a month more. Apparently, the guidance to utilities from Energy Watch says that they can't charge less than the previous 12 months usage (regardless of whether you're in credit). I then got into a debate about large companies holding millions of pounds of poor peoples' money and earning interest on it, to which the happy phone chappy said "so it's OK for you to hold some of our money then". Well actually, fucking yes it fucking is. Do I pay massive share dividends from my enormous profits? No. You can just imagine some poor granny not buying some food so she can "pay the lecky". By the end of the year she may just have survived to get her credit "against future bills". Wankers.

More 419 fun

Dear Barrister Frank,

Good day and best regards. I am sorry I have to make a lengthy writing in order to enhance your conception of this claim. So I pray you to be patient and read with a willing heart for understanding.

My conception does not need enhancing thank you. I have always felt that children would be an unecessary financial burden.

I feel astonished being informed that the FINANCE BANK OF NIGERIA has contacted you in regards to the claim. What a prompt response!

Well, considering that we had not agreed to do business, I was astonished too.

Meanwhile, you should stop being a scary cat about this claim as I am real and the whole thing will be executed under a legitimate background that will protect me, you any other partner involved or who may involve, from any breach the law as well as violation of one’s fundamental rights.

I don't understand your 'scary cat' statement. Is that some sixties hippy speak, or a reference to an unknown work by The Cure?

Still, it is well noted to me that you have every reasonable reason to entertain a reasonable doubt about this claim, hence you never know me, and neither do you know my late client, Dr. Douglas Warren. Moreover, I am not, as well as you are not ignorant of all sundry information and messages in the guise of business proposals skyrocketing over the Internet.

Yes, and I've heard from friends that they have had many emails skyrocketing through their inboxes on a daily basis. One friend even said to me 'it's just like being at NASA without the wayward insulation foam'.

Moreover, regarding your knowledge that nothing comes so cheap, i think you have to believe in God first. If you believe, you will understand that God visits people in his due time and he is the only on e that has the ultimate plan, purposes and opportunities for everybody. I suggest tentative moves with this will convince you the more. Just be careful!

I'm glad to hear that God visits people in his due time. Jehovahs witnesses always seem to visit at times that you're not expecting them, so you've given me another reason to doubt what they teach.

As a result therefore, I must seek your consent this time to allay your fears about me, and everything in this claim as I am not really what you supposed of me. I am not advertising myself either, but I want to let you understand the reason I proceeded to the Bank to filing the Application in your name and on your behalf, without having your consent in the first place.

I'm glad to hear that you're not what I had supposed of you. Have you seen the TV series V?

Meanwhile, prior to the Bank’s notice to me as a signatory to the late Dr. Douglas’ account, to present the owner of the account/ next of kin within a stated period of time or have this money confiscated by the Bank on the directive of the Federal Government of Nigeria to do same upon any account amounting up to millions of Dollars in their custody of which the owner of such fund is not being duly cleared by the Banker and the government.

Why are the bank confiscating someone else's money? Is this a regular occurence in your part of the world. Was Dr.Douglas intestate?

So, I want you to consider and reconsider what it means should this fund be confiscated and thereby lost to the Bank and the government. Then consider the importance and utility of which this fund would be to me, you and the service for humanity which would be a loss should this Bank be left free to confiscate the money.

Well, funds like that certain are a utility.

Owing to this instruction by the government and the notice from the Bank, I hastened towards various angles like the Embassy and Diplomatic agents, basically to locate any of my client’s real relatives so I can present them for the claim but all was unsuccessful. I therefore contacted you at the eleventh hour of the expiration of the mandate given to me by the Bank and therefore there is nothing really I could do other than to file the Application so as to deter them from tampering on the account, hence I have presented the beneficiary to the fund.

I am glad to hear that the Pythagorean force is strong with you. I always used to struggle with the right angles myself.

Meanwhile, I want to assure you that it does not necessarily matter whether you are biologically related to him or not, hence you have my back-up as the attorney to the owner of the account ant and as well willing and ready to carry it upon myself on the realization of this money being not confiscated by the Bank and rather be paid to you as an inheritance fund.
Please be informed that I have with me and shall avail all the necessary documents needed to back you up in this claim. So you have nothing to fear or contribute as I shall perfect all things here for you in your name and what you need to do is to coordinate it well with the Bank as stand firmly in defending that you are late Dr. Douglas Warren’s cousin as I have presented you before them.

So you're saying that if I lie to the bank, everything will be OK?

All I require of you is your honesty, trustworthiness and sincere cooperation with me so
that when this fund is finally paid to you, you shall keep it with you pending my arrival to your country for my own share of the proceeds. This means that we shall discuss on the sharing modalities of the proceeds of this claim upon its final successful conclusion.

You want my honesty, but you want me to lie to the bank? We have not spoken about modalities. What would be my share for taking such a high risk?

Finally, I therefore, counsel you to be not afraid and go ahead with the Bank as I shall update you with all the necessary information regarding my late client and his account as you shall present before the FINANCE BANK. Please I count on your urgent response as I have
every confidence, hope and trust that you can handle this claim (money) with me and together we can make it a success.
Always feel free to contact me through my private phone number +234 806 371 3908.

Thanks and my best regards to you once again.

Barr. Frank West.

I still have grave doubts about this enterprise Barrister Frank and I don't feel that I can proceed as things stand. I am basically an honest person and this runs against the grain for me.

Regards,

Oliver.

The literate among you may like this

I know that Woof likes puzzles and I'm sure that he'd turn his hand to an anagram or two. This site provides a nifty tool as witnessed by this brief conversation with the 'bot':
webuser: Hello
sternest: I can't anagram something short
webuser: Hello, how is your bottom?
sternest: Loutish whore lobotomy.
webuser: I once had a small volkswagen
sternest: A wholesome vandal slacking.
webuser: All of my friends will be talking like pirates soon
sternest: Fallibly and fleeting silkworm. OK personalities.
webuser: Do you think that aliens would vote for the conservatives?
sternest: Hoodwink stealthy, out-and-out evil. Feverish, not overacts. [first hand knowledge there then]
webuser: My bum is hariy and smells of juniper bushes
sternest: Famously shame rubbishy mildness. Up jer in.

I can only assume that the last phrase is its way of saying 'stick it up yer arse'.

Special link for Woof

In preparation for our talk like a pirate day.

Chavs with Boom Boxes

Am I the only person who gets annoyed by the thumping bass emanating from some pratty little Corsa? This story is a wonderful tale of, if not retribution, then fighting fire with fire. There are some other wonderful ditties on here as well, like the 15 year old groper and his milky come-uppance.

Jenny

OK, maybe just one more video although in my defense, it is a music video (albeit an amateur one). I quite like this song, but I did find myself thinking about what drums and guitar I'd put on it. Never happy with a simple product me, I have to embelish.

YouTube - Jenny

Are you a Cat Lover.

If not, then you'll like this video. A Sporty Ka. Enough videos for now I think.

Dominoes again

I like these. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkpDnOBIs2U

GUI Metaphors

What does your desk look like? Would this suit you?

Oh well. Better Cancel the Milk then...

Are you ready for this? Big Bang.

Bath Spa - First Customer

Bath Spa will be opening its doors soon to the paying public. One of the treatmets that isn't listed in their brochure is the Norwegian Herring Wrap. It consists of floating in the rooftop pool whilst Bath's many seagulls shit all over you.

Artistic 419

Those of you who visit this blog regularly will know that I am a fan of the odd 419 scam; well baiting them anyway. If you like scambaiting, then you'll love this. Stick with it as it gets better as it goes along.